Memento aut Oblivisci
by SophiaCrutchfeild
Summary: Would you rather remember or forget? It's not as simple a question as one might think...


Author's Note: I hope you like this. I worked on it, and I think it's all right… Just, a bit weird. Okay. Wish me luck!

Would you rather remember or forget?

Most would probably say, "Remember, of course." Well, maybe. That's what I chose, although it cost me. I wanted to hold on to the memories and never let go. I wanted to continue the game, after I had already won.

Of course I won. What, you think I would lose? No. I finished my journey with perfect marks, and a happy end. I thought that it would last forever, even if I knew that in the long run, I would get older, and the other world would be…

Complicated. It's always complicated.

See, the world isn't simple, and after the last page of the book, the final shot of the movie, the last episode of a television show, the story continues. Sure, I defeated the big bad, and I figured out some secrets, and I even discovered… was it love? Really? Can a child- because I am, after all, not even fifteen- truly fall in love? I don't know. At the time, I was sure that it was real, but now I'm wondering if that's possible. Either way, I was happy.

That was when I discovered the time constraints.

For the past year, I had lived in a world of magic. My friends were all part of that world, much more than I was, because they had been born in that world, while I hadn't fully entered until I was twelve. The magical world didn't recognize me as it's own. I had six months before I would be cast out forever, and in those six months, my memories would slowly slip away, being replaced by pretend ones. Memories of me talking to no one, pretending that magic was real, and playing a game. Eventually, those too would disappear. I would be left trying to figure out what I was imagining when I saw faces in my dreams, or drew pictures of things that I had "never seen," in my own perception at least. Sometimes, I would feel like something was missing, but I wouldn't be haunted by the world long lost to me.

I didn't want that to happen, under any circumstances.

I spent the next six months trying to figure a way out, a way to keep my memories, and return to the magic world. Everything I tried failed. I felt lost, and useless, and even as I helped my friends save their world a few more times, I knew that I was replaceable. They assured me that I was not replaceable to them, and the one I think I loved said that I was everything. I loved hearing it, and for a while, I believed it. I even believed it when the one I think I loved said we would meet again, no matter what. _You promised you would never stop looking for me… so why aren't you here yet?_

Finally, a solution was found, but it was a great cost.

I could keep the memories that I had left, which were about 20% of what I had experienced. The problems were some of the simpler things. The spell needed my blood, which was a big leap for me, but not too much of a problem. The real problem was that even with the memories, I could never go back. They would spin around in my head, and I would know that I would never get that back. I would remember the sad and terrifying times, as well as the joyful moments that stay bittersweet in my mind, because I won't see the magic of that world, or the people who I shared that magic with, ever again.

There was no choice to be made. I wanted those memories.

The day of the painful goodbye came, and I could barely see my friends anymore as the figurative gates of the magic world locked me out. I could only see a faint shimmer in the air, although I could feel their embraces, and hear their voices. It was the last day, and at the stroke of midnight, the last traces of the magic vanished. Suddenly, a journal was just a journal.

I cried, and nobody understood why. I made some excuse, but a part of me thought, 'would this pain still be here if I hadn't done the spell to keep my memories?' I don't know. It might have been worse, knowing that I was missing something, waking up with tears on my face and not knowing why I had been crying, only that it was so devastating that I had soaked my pillow in tears. I wanted to remember. I still want to remember.

Most of all, I still believed I was being searched for, and protected. I would nearly fall, and a vine would catch my hand, or I would be up all night working on a project, and not finish it, and suddenly an unseasonable cold would pick up, cancelling school with a snowstorm and letting me finish. I wondered if it could be that one of my friends was still looking out for me, manipulating the elements to help me out. I said thank you, late at night.

 _I searched and searched for you, you know._ I looked everywhere, and talked to so many people. A few times, I thought I'd found the right one… but it was never my friend who I think I loved. I don't know where… when… if… we'll ever meet again. I can't move on if I think we'll meet again. _Did you lie to me? Are you ever coming?_

Yes, the memories haunt me. They scare me. They give me dreams and nightmares. Still, it's better than the empty confusion and pain of forgetting. I want to know what I've done. The emptiness would be… blank… I would be a normal kid. I don't want that.

Do I?


End file.
